‘Conan the Barbarian’: Ahnuld, Where Are You Now That the Remake Needs You?

This reboot of the Arnold Schwarzenegger hit is swords, sorcery and stupidity

The original “Conan the Barbarian” was the breakout role for a young Arnold Schwarzenegger, who fully embodied Robert E. Howard’s born-in-battle, muscle-bound warrior bent on revenge. It was a cheesy little movie in the best way, mindful of its pulp roots and the sword-and-sorcery matinees of yesteryear.

The reboot stars Jason Momoa in what is mainly an exercise in adolescent machismo with a healthy dose of misogyny. In other words, the new “Conan the Barbarian,” like the scaly beasts that its hero battles, is a dinosaur.

Conan is born into conflict, cut from the womb of his dying mother by his father, Corin (Ron Perlman).

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